Open Heart Surgery

Recently I have been having trouble sleeping. I can get to sleep ok. But I wake up.  I cry my little heart out in the small hours.

But I couldn't think why. I couldn't understand it.  I knew I was going through it. I knew I was trying to control severe asthma. I knew I had major anxiety.

But I've had an epiphany.
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In 2007 I met an amazing person at a wedding. I didn't even know if I would go to the wedding. I'd recently been heartbroken and didn't know if I could handle an event full of happy people, dancing and champagne. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. I'm intense. I'm chaotic.  I don't let just anyone in. When we met it was an instant connection. I wanted to come over and speak to you. I wanted to get to know you. But I couldn't straight away. I kept looking at you out of the corner of my eye. It was like there was an invisible cord between us, pulling us together. Magnets. Lay lines. I tried to resist it but eventually I couldn't deny it.

And eventually. It happened. I was doing up my best friend's wedding shoes, I stood up and you were literally there in front of me. I felt like I'd been hit by a bolt of lightening. Volts, currents, electric energy shot through me. Then a song me and my bestie used to dance to when we were teenagers came on. I got dragged onto the dance floor. I love dancing. I don't really care how I look when dancing.

But I felt a little self-conscious. I knew your eyes were on me. I knew I was dancing like an idiot. But isn't that the best kind?  When you get all the moves wrong. When you don't really care how you look because you're laughing so hard your sides hurt.

Then afterwards we talked, I met your friends. I felt like I could be myself in front of you. You held my hand. You smoked. I hated smoking. But I didn't care because smoking was part of who you were. Part of your identity. I loved you smoking because it was part of what made you you.

You bought me a Baileys. I forgot anyone else was there. It was like time stood still. The night stretched out in front of us. You gave me a chewing gum and I knew then that you wanted to kiss me. I wanted to kiss you too but I was scared of what might happen. I knew life before and after The Kiss would never be the same again.

And just when I'd stopped thinking about it. You took me by the hand and led me to a quiet corner where nobody was around. You kissed me like your life depended on it. We had to take a breather and ditch the chewing gum. Everybody likes fresh breath. But nobody wants to share their Hubba Bubba! I wanted to never stop kissing you. People were walking past, getting drunk. But it was like nobody else existed. We had our own invisible forcefield that nobody could penetrate.

I wanted to spend the night with you. But I knew I couldn't do that. I'm not a one night stand person. I knew when we spend the night together it was going to mean something.  We kept in touch. I couldn't stop thinking about you. Time went by. We were separated by oceans. Continents.  But the invisible wires kept pushing us towards each other. We emailed. We talked on MSN and we arranged to meet up. You were miles away, But you were always there.

We met up. More than once. It was all I imagined it could be. Even more, I liked you so much my feelings scared me. I pushed you away. I knew if we were going to be together we couldn't live in different countries. Different cities. You were so nice about it. It made my heart hurt.  You got into another relationship. As did I.

The years went by. We had literally no contact. I wanted to contact you every day. I thought about you daily. But I didn't trust myself to just be your friend. I wanted more than that. If me and you were going to be together I would be in it for the long haul. Passports. Visas. International arrivals.

I don't do things by halves. I'm utterly committed. I have had two bypasses of the heart. My heart has been patched up. But it's still beating.

Years went by. We were both in and out of relationships. I tried to forget you. But I couldn't. I kept having dreams about you. I wanted to contact you. But it wasn't our time.

Because I am my own person. I don't need somebody else to complete me, I don't need a Father figure. I don't need to be taken care of. I've been hurt and I'm terrified. My feelings scare me so much.

I've recently been going through some seriously shitty personal circumstances. I reached out to you. I bit the bullet and contacted you. My heart started to lift. I started getting better. My skin became glowing. My hair started getting thicker again after six months of falling out. I started to put on weight after practically starving to death. My bones were on show. I could count all of my ribs. But actually I was in the best shape of my life.

When I was really going through it I was watching a lot of Friends. I used to love that. But I couldn't deny it to myself any more. I love you. I am in love with you. I would get off the plane for you. I've tried to deny it to myself for so long. But I can't deny it to myself anymore,

I don't know what the future holds. I don't have a crystal ball. I was drowning and you offered me a life raft. The port in a storm.  I know you don't want a long term relationship.

But the truth is I want love. Can't live without you love. Stay up all night talking love. Rainbows, glitter, harp music. Inconvenient. Unexplainable. It makes no sense.

If you're an International man of mystery I would love to be your Bond Girl.I said I didn't want anyone to complete me. But you are the other half of me. The ying to my yang.  If you don't want me I will walk away.

But my heart is wide open. And ready to receive love.